What does Christmas mean to you, son?

It was windy that night. He sat on the half-broken bench waiting for the night to fade away on the wings of dawn. The wind touched his face over and over again and he wondered how it actually felt to be touched. A touch, devoid of any malice or bad intention, a touch, not in the form of a slap or fist but as a pat or a hug. And all that he could do was wonder. He didn’t belong anywhere or to anyone. No place had ever been home and no man had ever been family to him. He was alone and he had always been that way. His first memories were of growing up in the tiny orphanage next to the dilapidated church in a narrow lane of Lucknow. The Church had been built there with no intention or purpose. But it always stood there, erect and desolate waiting for a religious some to acquire elusive moments of peace. Peace, not the one with silence and uncertain thoughts but the one which gave hope and faith to those who wished for it. Though small and fragile, broken and battered, it had successfully pulled off the task of making the few who visited it believe in the Supreme power of God.

He had worked as a small time helper in shops and slept on the road or porches or porticos of several buildings but never on a bed with a mattress or a blanket even in the harsh cold winter. He knew how to read and write, thanks to the little something that the orphanage had given but he was hopeless when it came to mathematics. Sixteen now, he sat on the half-broken bench with the city lights ahead of him, near to the Church where he learnt how to pray and acquire faith to stay alive. The houses in the lane were decorated with paper stars and ribbons bought from a nearby stationery shop and candles shone on every doorstep. While it took him a little time in counting the dates and making a little calculation, he knew that tonight was the only day he ever liked on the calendar. This day marked the food and other gifts that came to the orphanage every year. As a kid, he developed the notion that 25^th December was the only date in the calendar when one man actually loved the other. It was Christmas and even though he had left the orphanage six years back itself, there was something that had pulled him to that very place that night. 

His clothes were damp and his curly locks had grown long and grimy. He smelt of wood and his clothes were torn at places. His eyes had the quietness of the sea and youthfulness shown in them. But they seemed sad, like a soul that had been searching for nothing but ‘faith’. He wanted to cry but his eyes were too dry to shed tears. So he just sat there, watching people getting happy for the birth of Christ while he waited for a little something called ‘love’. Suddenly, a man came and sat next to him. He looked like an older version of the boy. They looked at each other for two seconds and then the boy turned his gaze away concentrating on the lane that lay ahead of him.

‘You’re from around here, son?’

The boy looked around. He then looked at the man who sat next to him and wondered who he had been speaking to. It definitely wasn’t him, he thought considering nobody addressed him as ‘son’ ever. He had always been ‘aye’ or’ yaar’ or ‘chotu’ or any of the wretched names that people give to urchins on the road.

‘I’m asking you son. Are you from around here?’

The voice wanted to come out from his heart. But it got stuck on the bridge of his tongue, afraid to be heard. He furtively glanced around suspecting someone to be playing with him. He could not bring himself to believe that someone had actually called him ‘son’. His eyes turned limpid and he croaked, ‘No Sir’.

The old man nodded and said, ‘Then why do you sit here?’

‘I’m an orphan Sir. I grew up in that little orphanage right next to the Church. Do you see it? But I left it 6 years ago. I’ve been homeless since then. I came here expecting I might get a little to eat. I’m famished Sir.’

‘Homeless, eh? So am I. It’s not that bad if you ask me’- The old man grinned and his crooked teeth showed under his darkened lips. He continued, ‘I don’t have a home either son. And I, to be honest came in search of food too. Hunger…hunger is a wicked thing. I know you’re a boy and deep inside, it saddens you when you think that you’re always on the lookout for food when you should be for happiness. Isn’t it?’

‘Yes Sir.’

‘But it’s not that bad son. You’ve got to love yourself. And that one God who’s kept you alive. Do you believe in God son?’

‘Yes Sir.’

‘Oh you do, eh? Not bad. A good thing. Today is Christmas. Do you know that?’

‘Yes Sir.’

‘What does Christmas mean to you son?’

‘Food Sir. On this day, good food used to come at our orphanage Sir.’

The old man chuckled and sympathized with the boy’s innocence.

‘No son. It is much more than that. This day marks the birth of Jesus Christ. And people celebrate it all over the world. I know it is cold out here, with the wind cutting through our skin and the dampness of dew makes it worse, but it’s still Christmas son. And this day has always meant much more than food or new clothes or gifts wrapped in flashy papers. Jesus was born on this day and gifts were given to him by the three kings. But this is a meaningful day. At least for me.’

‘How is it meaningful Sir?’

‘Well. I’ve never seen anyone ‘hate’ on this day. There’s a little magic in the air. People are happy and celebration is on their mind. I am never afraid to ask for a little share of food from anyone on Christmas. Every shop is decorated. Every shopkeeper makes a profit. People set out to donate to homeless people, orphanages, old-age homes and what not. Ever seen the Cathedral Church in Hazratganj? Oh what a sight! And the carols. Yes, they’re good too. Ah, in my 72 years of life, I’ve felt happiness in the atmosphere only on Christmas.’

The boy smiled. ‘Where do you live Sir?’

‘I don’t have a permanent home. I mean…I used to. I’m an old man now but there is still strength in these limbs of mine, you see. And that’s what keeps me on. Coming to the talk of Christmas son, people don’t understand. The way they become, a lot of Jesus loving humans, who boast of humanity and compassion, set out to help people like it was always their one sole aim in life, it’s all for a day. This day tries to teach them every year, ‘This is how you should be’ but once the day is over, the compassion is gone. The love for humanity dies and people get back to the way they were. See these families? They probably don’t get along. The children are fed up of their parents and the parents beat their kids. All those homeless people lying on the street, they are not even seen as humans on normal days. People can’t give away a single rupee to them. When you ask for a loaf of bread because Jesus hasn’t blessed you, they would look away with heartlessness, like the previous day, they had just been sufficing the needs of the occasion. They don’t understand that God is watching them and that they might be in the same predicament as us someday. And their complacent nature makes them believe that by being selfless humans on Christmas has wiped out all their sins. But it’s not so.’

‘On this day, I’d like to go around and tell everyone you know- ‘Friend, be this way. There is a way to be good. A man full of compassion and love for mankind. Make your life worthwhile.’ But things won’t change son. So I like this day. I like families getting happy and celebrating together. I like how people turn compassionate and hospitable on a single day. I like the songs, the decoration, the merry-making and hugs. I like to see the world rejoice for at least day. This day gives me hope of a person that everyone could become, if they try. And I like that. I really like that.’

They boy listened to him and they shared a moment of silence. The boy was thinking deep, pondering over the man’s words. And even though the man hadn’t disclosed to the boy who he actually was, the latter felt really comfortable in his presence. The man got up and took out fifty rupees from his pocket.

‘Here, I have a fifty. Someone gave it to me. Let’s go, grab a bite. You might be hungry son, isn’t it?’

‘Yes sir. A little.’

‘Come. Let’s go.’

The boy did not know where the man was taking him. But who or what did he fear anyway? He looked at the man and in the cold; they held each other’s hands. He was happy to find a little happiness for a while. He was happy to learn what that day exactly meant. And he had also become aware of the kind of person he was supposed to become, no matter what the circumstances may be. And they walked on the road, silent and calm, happy to have each other’s company. 

Attachment

"It begins when the object of your affection bestows upon you a heady hallucinogenic dose of something you’ve never even dared to admit you wanted. An emotional speed-ball of thunderous love and excitement. Soon you start craving that attention with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When it’s withheld, you turn sick, crazy, not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged it in the first place. Now, he refuses to pay up the good stuff. Goddamn him! And he used to give it to you for free. Next stage finds you skinny, shaking in a corner certain only that you’d sell your soul to have that one thing one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration is now repulsed by you. He looks at you like someone he’s never met before. The irony is you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You’re a mess- unrecognizable even to your own eyes. You have now reached infatuation’s final destination. The complete and merciless devaluation of self."
 

 It starts with Jim Harper. And Maggie. And Don and Lisa as well. So Don was dating Maggie for a long time now. Both of them had tried to reason out umpteen times why were they dating each other exactly? But the effort went to waste every time. They broke up, made up and this went on. Amidst all this, Jim Harper enters into their life and things get even worse. Maggie tries hard not to accept that Jim Harper is the man of her dreams- one who understands her, one who’d never want to hurt her, one who can look at her alone and know that she’s beautiful. She resents knowing that the one who she always wanted has come along and that she wants him so much but that was not possible at all. She’s already taken, you know. Why? Because some years back, she hadn't known that you can fall in love with the wrong person. That life first takes the wrong road only to realize which the right one was. That attachment is a dangerous thing. You can get attached to the wrong person and you can never, I mean ever, take it back. 

People blame you when you lose commitment to a relationship. They would have expected you to drag things a little longer. Oh yes, people are like that. They expect a lot from you and the fact is, you don’t even need their discretion. But they don’t know the pain you've endured. They haven’t survived all the times he humiliated you. They haven’t been there when he looked at you and failed to recognize the love you have for him. Love that was based more on how long you've been with him, instead of how much you actually loved him. They haven’t seen you losing your self-respect to a man you weren't even supposed to love in the first place. They don’t know that when you look at him, you don’t see a man who you love but a mistake that you made in spite of being so wise throughout. 

Meanwhile, Don has realized that Jim and Maggie have developed some sort of connection. They are falling for each other. He tries to hook up Jim with Lisa. Ah yes, before I forget, Lisa is Maggie’s roommate.  She’s not like Maggie-not at all. Maggie is a journalist- aware, smart, bold and outspoken. Lisa is a fashion designer, self-explanatory. It’s not that Don loves Maggie too much; it’s just that he doesn’t wanna lose her. He’s been with her for so long, hasn’t he? It’s guilt that’s stopping him from hurting her sentiments. And yes, not to forget, the inner voice repeatedly calling out to him- “She’s your girl. No other guy can have her.”

Some human tendencies are bad. One of them is attachment. Sometimes you wanna get rid of certain people, but you just don’t because you think they belong to you no matter how messed up your relationship with them is. And that’s where you start losing yourself. You do things that aren’t logical. They don't make you happy either. But you just do them because something inside constantly tells you that it’s the right thing to do. It’s like being Brooks from The Shawshank Redemption. He was a prisoner for fifty years and when he was finally released, in a few days he committed suicide. Life in prison is not a good thing, right? You’re trapped in a cell, the four walls of it suppressing you day by day. You don’t get proper food and you’re treated like scum. But once you get out it, you’ll always see yourself valuing that phase. Because even though it was harsh, there was a sense of belonging. Instead of trying to prove yourself to a population of 7 billion people, you had to expose who you are to only a few fellow prisoners. And that was it. You form an ‘attachment’ to that cell- where you were trapped, only to come out and miss it later.  

In the meantime, Lisa has come to know that Jim doesn’t actually like her. He’s a good man and he’s trying his best to not hurt Maggie and Don both. Jim’s boss asks him to tell Maggie that he loves her. He tries doing it but fate brings him back to Lisa again. And now Maggie feels jealous, she reveals to Lisa that it’s hard to watch her with Jim. Lisa knows something bad is gonna happen. She quits trying to make herself love Jim. Maggie and Jim now know that they love each other. They kiss and decide to tell Don and Lisa how they feel about each other. As soon as Maggie approaches Don, he invites her to the house. The house is dark only lighted by candles and decorated with ribbons. Maggie is surprised. This is really not where her relationship was going. She stops, looks at Don, he asks her to move in with him and Jim and his memories are pushed aside in the corner. Maggie doesn’t love him, she shouldn’t be even standing with Don right now, but well she is. Something is making her do it. Attachment it is…

And in the end, you make a wrong decision, thinking this is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You fail to differentiate between ‘first’ love and ‘true’ love. You’re trapped once again in a prison, where the four walls are made up of delusion and the air is filled with misery and self-pity. You will regret again, but for now, you love the moment. For now, you feel as if life has turned a full circle; all your desires have come true. Your past has once again made sure that you end up having a bleak future with the one you ‘think’ you love. And what follows is nothing but agony…


Some years hence, you'll just find yourself trying to answer this simple question, "Why was I holding on to something that I knew would never be mine". Caught up in regrets and expectations, you'll wish to redeem yourself, only to find out how futile all your attempts will turn out to be. Again, it'll be just one thing that will lead you to that- Attachment and attachment alone..
And this is how life is. This is how it will always remain to be.                                                                                                                                                     

 

                           

                                                                                                                                           

Alienation and Rehashing

                                

I don't need no arms around me                                                  
And I don't need no drugs to calm me.                        
I have seen the writing on the wall.
Don't think I need anything at all.
No! Don't think I'll need anything at all.
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.
All in all you were all just bricks in the wall.

Have you ever heard of the word, ‘alienation’? And by alienation, I don’t mean anything related to creepy organisms from a different planet -_- I am talking about the actual ‘alienation’. Well, you might have. Since I study English Honors in Delhi University (bragging done successfully ^_^ ), two days back, an intense discussion on this word took place in my class. Most of the people in my class sat with long dry faces as if it was the most boring discussion that ever took place in the history of mankind. But honestly, it wasn’t. And I exceptionally have this opinion because of the obvious reason- Currently, I am totally alienated. *sigh*

My teacher stated, “‘Alienation’ is the feeling of estrangement from people. It basically happens because your thoughts and opinions normally don’t match with the people around you.”  In short, people can’t cope up with your awesomeness. (At least, that’s the main reason why I think I’m alienated xD)

It was the most typical feeling that I have ever experienced. I mean, you might know that kind of moment right? The moment when you suddenly realize how lonely you actually are even when you sit cramped between a hundred people in your class. I’ve tried, tried to a great extent, to connect with those people- interacting, faking smiles, nodding heads to things I’d never wish to accept. And now, I’m beginning to get tired of it. The fatigue is totally overwhelming and I can’t take it anymore. I’m done with reading inspirational stuff, listening to Pink Floyd’s album ‘The Wall’ (which is based on alienation. Check it out btw. Pink Floyd stuff is heavenly), done with listening to Lucas Scotts’s quotes from One Tree Hill. I guess I’m just literally fed up of trying to convince myself that things will get better soon. I guess they won’t because I’m facing a great deal of difficulty when it comes to making friends in Delhi. And after college, I am bound to return to my apartment where I’ve already been termed as a nerdy ManUnited lover girl. But yikes, I agree with that. :\

The conclusion is, when you shift to a new city alone, don’t anticipate that you’re gonna have the time of your life. It might be way different from how you think it’ll turn out to be.  And I’m just asking you to be a little careful. Music will cease to soothe you anymore. Watching anime and other TV series might become your worst pastime. You’ll literally search for a familiar face in the city. If you’re a girl with choices like listening to Rock and Metal genres, reading books all the time, watching English movies while ignoring the rest and being an ardent supporter of a football club, then baby, you are doomed. :| You’ll be treated as a social outcast. Now here, I’m not portraying self-pity but obviously the best example that I can give is of myself, isn’t it?

So instead of whining much on Facebook, or tweeting some miserable stuff, or crying my eyes out, I’ve decided to rehash an old habit of mine. I used to be a blogger just so you know. And this blog is not new. It’s old with all the previous posts deleted. Even though it was supposed to be ‘rehashing’. Now whenever I feel lonely, I’ll blog. And no matter, how pathetic this post might have sounded, it is what it is. Yeah, I know. I’ve lost my modesty as well. Tada! xD

So take care and and take my advice as well. And I promise you the coming posts will be better (being humble this time). ^_^